Etiquette and Religion, Revisited

Look, people are going to disagree in life.  And they are going to disagree even more about religion, which many consider a vital part of their identity, culturally and individually.  The problem is not disagreement, the problem is the oft-perceived idea that disagreement is a personal insult to oneself followed by the wielding of disagreement as a weapon as a result of that insult.  Disagreement is not a statement of unworthiness of another, or superiority of one’s self.  Really, its not.  

But maybe we need to learn to disagree with one another better.  This is where manners come into the picture.  I don’t think that having manners means leaving disagreement behind.  In all actuality, I think that part of having manners is being respectfully honest.  The honest truth about religion is that the only thing that determines “right” is belief.  It goes without saying that I believe I’m right (or at least more right than the next guy), or else I’d have different beliefs. It also goes without saying that people with diametrically different and even opposed beliefs believe that they are right as well.  This leaves us with the problem of having equal claim to “rightness”…and it means that we need to work on how we express ourselves in such a way that is compassionate and respectful to one another as people.

Two years ago, I felt compelled to write a list of “Interfaith Etiquette” guidelines.  Every once in a while, I feel compelled to post them again.  Heck, I even followed it up with a “Netiquette” version, specifically geared towards blog posting and discussion.  I’m going to repost the pertinent part to both of those  (again), but first, I want to direct your attention to this very excellent post over at Pagan Activist, which happens to be right in line with this train of thought.

Okay, now that you are back…without further ado (because we can all stand to be reminded from time to time):

Etiquette Guidelines for Interfaith Discussions

1.) If someone asks about your religious beliefs, share (respectfully and with compassion). If they don’t ask, don’t assume that sharing will be welcome and go out of your way to do so.

2.) If you feel compelled to ask someone else as a way to spark a discussion about their beliefs, back off if they aren’t interested.

3.) Make sure the setting is appropriate for the discussion so neither party will feel uncomfortable.

4.) Don’t act like your truth is everyone’s truth–it isn’t, because if it were, there wouldn’t be a conversation on the matter. When expressing your beliefs, use I-statements to express your personal beliefs.

5.) Refrain from using absolute or exclusive language, but don’t assume that absolute or exclusive statements are made with negative intent.

6.) If you are in a mutual discussion of beliefs, don’t use your theological opinion as a tool for condemnation or insult.

7.) Realize that the people who vocally use their beliefs about religion as an excuse to be a jerk are louder than those that don’t, if you want to be a good ambassador for your faith, act your ideals, and even share them, but don’t preach them.

8.) Language is imprecise–different religious and denominations have differing terminology; understand the limits of your religious literacy and ask for clarification if you are unsure of one’s meaning.

9.) Disagreement is not an automatic insult or attack. Try to refrain from taking offense to comments that may be well-intended, but poorly phrased.

10.) Courteously and constructively correct misinformation. Do not get drawn into an argument (as opposed to a debate). Be polite, even when the other person is not.

11.) If things start going badly, be the adult and back off. When this happens, don’t wait for the other person – do it first. If you are a person that has to have the last word, remember that walking away with dignity while the other person brays like an ass is its own last word.

A particular challenge in discussions about religious and spiritual beliefs is when they meet the internet.  In addition to blogging and other forms of social media, I’ve been a member and then a moderator,  and finally an administrator and co-owner of Pagan Forum for at least a decade now–I’ve had plenty of time to observe and engage in discussions of religion online.  Internet interaction, I think, calls for some extra guidelines…

Netiquette for Inter/Intrafaith Discussions

Responsibilities of the Writer: 

1)  Know your audience.  As a writer, you should know who your audience is–its just sort of common sense that one needs to know who they are writing to, and what interests and perspectives readers might have, in order to appropriately address topics.  But part of knowing your targeted or expected audience is also knowing that some of them might just be curious drop-ins…  If your goal is to foster thought and discussion solely within one’s community, that’s fine (though a consideration of how they could be taken by others might be a good idea)…but if your goal is to spark discussions across communities (either sub-groups within the same faith group, or between faith groups), then perhaps its a good idea to see what your words feel like from an outside perspective and model them appropriately.

2)  Strive for accuracy and honesty.  Try to emphasize when something is a personal opinion (albeit a hopefully educated one) as opposed to a fact-based statement.  Particularly when discussing contentious topics (in which case, try to acknowledge if not address different opinions) or in environments where you could be construed as a subject matter expert or a representative of a particular view.  If you know you are biased on a particular topic, ante up and admit it.

3)  Write  with respect.  The bottom line here is to write with respect for one’s subject matter and one’s audience.  Sometimes that can be a quite difficult balance to achieve.  There are a number of ways to do this: cite sources, admit bias, use inclusive language, make ‘I’ statements, and overall…be kind–or at least as kind as possible if and when criticism is necessary.

4)  Make it readable.  I admit, I’m totally guilty of tl;dr at times…and UAWA (using abbreviations with abandon–and yes, I totally made that one up as a joke), incredibly bad humor, and overuse of ellipses and parentheses. Look, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be able to be read and understood without too much difficulty.  If most people struggle to read it, there isn’t much of a point to have written it!  Things like format (hello, paragraphs!), punctuation and spelling, syntax and grammar matter, as does clarity and specificity in language (terminology matters!).  And for the love of all that you consider holy, use paragraphs–I won’t even bother to try to decipher a total wall of text, it hurts my eye balls and my brain.

Responsibilities of the Reader:

1)  Know the audience of the writer.   Lets be honest here, writers write with a specific audience in mind.  So be mindful of whose internet home you are walking into.  Don’t jump down someone’s throat for disagreeing with you when you wandered into their site (this doesn’t mean you can’t disagree with them).  Religious beliefs are opinions, and a person that wanders into a community with different opinions from theirs should expect to disagree with them.  Don’t automatically take disagreement, even at a fundamental level of how your own beliefs are viewed, as a personal insult.

2)  Read with an open mind and an open heart.  Try to see things from the writer’s perspective and experience.  You don’t have to agree with them, but try to see where they are coming from and why that background could lead them to see things as they do.  Don’t take a general opinion as a personal attack, even if that is how they feel…often people have opinions that they have absolutely no real world experience with (and usually those opinions are the most offensive ones!).  A decent person can still have a shitty opinion, so try to refrain from passing judgement on a person, instead of their ideas and reasoning.

3)  Give some “benefit of the doubt” to the writer.  Writing well can be hard and writing well on hard topics can be even harder.  Sometimes people say things in a way that is not immediately clear what they mean, or they give insult where none is intended because the words they use are not understood in the same way they were meant to be delivered.  In light of an entire post, try not to take single comments out of context, unless they are an illustration of overall disagreement.  Unlike a face to face discussion, where a person has instant feedback and can see that a conversation is starting to go off track and clarify points or ask questions, internet discussions are dependent on when someone can get back to it (and a whole lot can go wrong in that time).  On the other hand, the key word here is some–some comments need to be challenged, whether it be for their sheer offensiveness, or because the author is someone that should know better (and if they don’t they need to be told), etc.

Responsibilities of the Responder/Commenter:

1)  If you didn’t read it all, don’t comment/respond…9 times out of 10 I’m willing to bet it will leave you breaking my next “rule”.

2)  Don’t be an ass.  A responder/commenter is both a reader and a writer and is responsible for behaving as both, the only additional duty you really have is to not be a jerk when you respond.  Ask yourself questions like “Will this contribute to the conversation?”, “Am I voicing a legitimate concern or critique that shows alternative points of view and furthers the discussion?”, “Do my comments get the author and other readers additional insight into the situation?” and “Would I say this to my mother/spouse/child/best friend?”.   If the answer to questions like those is “No”, then perhaps a rewording or rethinking of the comment is in order.

Pagan Blog Project: Justification

It seems to me that people have an idea that justification is a negative thing.  To some extent, I can agree–many times people feel the need to justify themselves because of someone that is actively seeking to shame them for their behavior…and in this case, justification is a negative thing.  But ultimately, (positive) justification is simply the act of demonstrating (seeking to demonstrate) that something is reasonable*.  Sometimes, demonstrating that something is reasonable (or even vital) is a good thing (or even a necessary one).

A few days ago, I came across this post in my blog reader.  At first glance, I agreed with most of it (although, having had friend killed by a drunk driver, and having grown up with an alcoholic father, I had a slight problem with the wording of number 13). But. (Because there wouldn’t be a blog post without the but.) Upon further reflection on the idea of justification over all, I have to say the idea of not having to justify one’s self ever, at all, to anyone, is a mistaken one that comes from a place of some pretty intense privilege.  I’d like to add that I am not saying that the blog post in question is advocating this, but rather that the blog post was the impetus for this line of thought.  Unfortunately, the idea of not needing to justify one’s anything seems a bit prevalent in today’s society in general, and in our Pagan communities online and off in particular.  And I sort of think that’s bullshit.

There are things that we do have to justify in life.

I can’t help but think that I would have loved that post when I was 23 and single and childless and financially answerable only to myself.  Because…for that brief moment, it was true. But.  I have commitments. I have responsibilities.  I live as part of a family and a community and a society in which my actions impact other people.  I do not live in a vacuum.  There is no such thing as living without justification when one has commitments and responsibilities.

Don’t get me wrong, we don’t have to justify everything to everyone. But in the real world, coming from a place of pragmatism, we do sometimes actually owe people reasonable explanations for things.

All of us have to justify our actions to someone (even if that is ourselves).  It does matter how much you drink, it does matter what food you eat,  it does matter what clothing you wear. I’m not saying this to shame anyone that drinks like a sailor in port after 6 months at sea, likes ice cream, has to shop at Wal-mart.  I’m just saying that every action has a consequence–for example, shopping at Wal-mart props up unfair and unethical work and manufacturing processes (but when kid needs shoes for school, and your budget is tight, it might be the only option you have).  It may not be fair that it matters, but “fair” is an entirely different discussion.

What we do affects the others around us in direct and indirect ways.

Look, when it comes to beliefs, the only person we need to justify them to is ourselves–but if we are taking that inward thing and putting it out there in word or deed, we better be able to justify its effects upon others in a way that they welcome (or at least respect).

Seeing as this is a Pagan Blog Project post, you might be wondering what exactly does all that have to do with being Pagan?

Ooh!  Glad you asked!!

1.) I don’t have to justify my beliefs to you or anyone.

2) You don’t have to justify your beliefs to me or anyone.

3) I don’t have to justify those of my practices that only affect myself and those I have a commitment to and a responsibility for to anyone but them.

4) You don’t have to justify those of your practices that only affect yourself and those you have a commitment to and a responsibility for to anyone but them.

But.  When we interact with one another, not having to justify our respective beliefs does not mean disrespecting one another over them, or being complicit in another being disrespectful of them.  When we engage in services for one another, we very much need to justify our practices and how we carry them out (including whether or not their are ethical) to those we are seeking to serve, to their satisfaction.  When our practices have the potential to cause harm or when our words have the potential to cause strife, the idea that we don’t need to justify ourselves (or attempt to do so) is selfish and self-serving.

Justifying your words or your deeds isn’t about apologizing for them (although it can be in some cases). (Positive) Justification is not about seeking approval for one’s actions (although it may be reasonable to do so in some cases, depending on whom they affect).  Justification is also not about making excuses for your decisions.  Instead, it should be about helping something make sense to someone that doesn’t understand where you are coming from or why you have made a particular choice as well as a claiming of responsibility that includes an acknowledgement of how one impacts others around them.

*An alternate definition of justify is “to prove that one is right”, but that isn’t the particular nuance I’m talking about right now–that is more in line with the “shaming” idea.

 

Asatru Children’s ABC’s

Now, I am not Heathen, but my good forum friend ThorsSon was for quite a long time, and he wrote this and gave me permission to post it.  Whether or not you are Heathen, its some interesting mythology (a good kids myth source for Norse mythology is D’Aulaires’ Book of Norse Myths).

Edited to add (5May13): Just came across this awesome post in my reader with some other resources.

Enjoy!

Asatru Children’s ABC’s

A is for Asgard, where the Gods spend their day.
B is for Bifrost, between the worlds it lay.

C is for Courage, the strength to overcome fear.
D is for Day, she follows Night throughout the year.

E is for Embla, the mother of us all.
F is for Freyja, chooser of those who fall.

G is for Gungnir, from its course it never strays.
H is for Heimdall, his horn, Gjallar, he plays.

I is for Iduna, keeper of the apples of gold.
J is for Jormungand, around the earth, his tail he holds.

K is for Kvasir, from his blood came inspiration.
L is for Lore, the stories for our edification.

M is for Mjollnir, Jotuns it smites.
N is for the Norns, the Wyrd they write.

O is for Odin, he, who Fenrir shall fight.
P is for Protection, given by Thor’s great might.

Q is for Question, for knowledge to gain.
R is for Ragnarok, when all begins again.

S is for Sigurd, the slayer of the dragon.
T is for Thor, thundering in his wagon.

U is for Ullr, by whom the hunt is blessed.
V is for the Vanir, by whom nature is dressed.

W is for Wyrd, the web that connects all things.
X is for Xenodochy and the Luck it brings.
*(xenodochy = hospitality… you try thinking of an Asatru related
word that begins with ‘X’

Y is for Yggdrasil, where Odinn hung alone.
Z is for Zisa, by whom peace is sown.

What you can, As you are able

The Wild Hunt has an interesting (and good) piece on first responders and the role of faith (I recommend going and reading it).  The author makes mention of how other religions view the role of a first responder from their particular faith tradition and asks these questions of our own communities:

What is the role of Pagan theology in the mindset of the first responder? We don’t have referential texts to guide our sense of transformative justice or “Godliness” as it were. Is there any religiously-based ethic that drives Pagan first responders?

Yes.

Or perhaps, YES!  And I don’t think it stops with first resonders or first response situations.  Anyone that is religious (regardless of the religion) and works with people in a heath care setting, in the aftermath of tragedy, or in moments of personal crisis has probably developed a perspective on what they do and how or why they do it, that is in some way and shape informed by their religion or spirituality.

I was Pagan when got my first job a lifeguard.  After that, I was in the United States Navy for six years, and for four of them I was a Hospital Corpsman* (and for two of those years, one of my duties was being a victim’s advocate for sexual assault).  In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve never rushed into a burning building, I’ve never been shot at, I’ve not been in combat, and I’ve never delivered a baby on the side of the road in a snow storm.  But I have drilled and trained for events like them.  I have been on the ship’s fire party at a fire, I’ve been in full MOPP gear for hours on end (thankfully a false alarm), and I’ve pulled more than my fair share of people to safety (on and off duty) from the water.   I’ve held the living and the dying and I have cried, bled and sweat for both.  I’m not saying that to boast, or for credit of any sort (there are many  people out there that have seen and done far more than I have); rather I’m saying this for some perspective for what amounts to my personal ethic on the matter.    At the end of the day, I’m just a chick that had a job and an odd compulsion to run towards shit that other people would rather run away from.

Life is a gift. When you can give it, do so with humility; when you must take it, do so with mercy.  And when you can do neither, offer all of the comfort and dignity that you can muster, for the person whose hand you are holding.  

For the most part, the above has been an idea that has come after the fact.  I never particularly thought about my theological or philosophical opinions about life and death or living and dying when I was on the job.  There really isn’t time for religion when you are doing CPR or even just stitching someone up.  You do what has to be done because its what has to be done.  You’ve trained enough to assess the situation and do what has to be done because its become second nature.  And when you come across something that you haven’t trained for, you do what you can to the best of your ability until someone with more training comes along.  In the moment, the only thing you think about is the moment.

Instead, my spiritual practices have been what I’ve found useful–grounding and centering to get through everything from adrenaline and fatigue to despair and elation with a cool head, cleansing to let go of the events of the day before going home to family or out with friends, or a blessing before heading in and a moment of thanks upon coming out.  And like the training of what to do for a broken bone or an electrical fire, they are only really useful because they’ve been practiced to the point that they are instinctive.  Paganism might not have an authoritative text to offer a theological perspective on service before self, or the nature of healing, or the value of life…instead we have a plethora of ideas and ideals on those matters.  What I think our religious traditions can offer though, is a set of practices (common to contemporary Paganism) that can be incredibly valuable to the Pagan that does disaster work, or is a medic, or a police officer, etc.

*If you aren’t familiar with the term, the closest analog would be “medic”…but being a corpsman is  more than being a medic (since most of us equate the term with paramedic).  A corpsman is doctor and nurse on ships at sea without them, they are the paramedic and the ER technician and the CNA and LPN at the hospital, they are the person the draws your blood,  shoots your x-rays, that conducts your lab tests,  passes out condoms, keeps your records, gives shots, delivers babies, acts as the FDA inspector and the Orkin Man, fixes broken bones, teaches first aid and CPR…and the list goes on.  There is no civilian equivalent to the Hospital Corpsman, and really, there is no equivalent to the Hospital Corpsman in either the Air Force or the Army, which both divy up the role of a corpsman into many different jobs (if you are wondering why I didn’t mention the Marines, its because Hospital Corpsman are their medics).

Extra note: The title for this post comes from something a patient of mine once told me…he’d been a Hospital Corpsman in Korea and Vietnam and he wasn’t doing so well…he was also one of my favorite patients.  I asked him one day, what made a good corpsman, and his answer what that “What makes a good corpsman is what makes a good person–the only thing that counts, whether you are in the field or on the ward, in wartime or in peace, at work or at home, is that you do what you can, the best that you are able, for as long as you are needed.”

 

Pagan Blog Project: Honest Consumption

Not quite two years ago, I wrote this really long post on why replacing disposable plastic matters, and ways that they can be replaced in the home.  I’ve also written a bit on how we pick up trash at our stretch of beach, as an active devotion to the place where we live (since we worship it as if it were a deity).

A few weeks ago, I was  reminded of why this matters.

On a recent beach clean-up, this is what my children and I found. This particular day, we picked up more than usual–we filled one and a half 55 gallon drum trash bins.

If it comes in a single use, disposable container that isn’t reusable (or that you won’t end up reusing), biodegradable, or recyclable (or that you won’t end up recycling), you can refuse it.  

The simple fact of life is that plastic ends up in the ocean.  From here on out, every time you see a juice bottle, a soda bottle, a water bottle, a container of body wash, a milk jug, shampoo and conditioner, throw away lunch containers, Styrofoam, lighters, shopping bags, produce bags, or anything else you can think of, I challenge you to think the following:

This is going to end up in the ocean. If I were an albatross, would I want my baby to eat this? If I were a minnow, would I want my stomach full of this? Do I want my food chain  filled with the same chemicals parent’s won’t allow in a container their child drinks from? Should our children (or ourselves) have to play on polluted beaches, building castles from plastic sand? As a Pagan, what kind of reverence am I showing (and teaching my children) for the home of the gods we worship (not to mention the home we share with every other living thing)?

I get it, sometimes its just not convenient, efficient, or effective to eschew the plastic-wrapped whatever.  I’m certainly not perfect–I’ve been known to pick up individually packaged applesauce for pint-sized guests (less dishes, and apple sauce containers make awesome jello molds and paint containers).  And sometimes there’s just no alternative–I’ve yet to find certain products that aren’t in plastic packaging (medication) or I can’t afford the alternative as part of my shopping habits (milk in glass bottles is about twice as expensive as milk in a plastic jug).  Just as often though, its an easy change to make–pick up the eggs in the cardboard carton instead of the plastic or Styrofoam one (plus, when you are done with them you can make fire starters from your dryer lint in them or use them for noise reduction).

But I think that as Pagans, we have the duty to be what my bloggy friend Deb calls “lessatarian”.  To examine our privilege and its accompanying consumption habits (as individuals and in our communities), and to make conscious decisions about the resources we use and the waste we create.   If we don’t do at least that, how can we claim to either be revering the Earth itself or celebrating the cycles of the Earth?  How can we claim to be paying homage to the Spirits of a place we’ve treated like a dump?  How can we claim to honor the Spirit of the Bear or the Fox or the Turtle, etc  when we are destroying the habitat and poisoning the young of bears and foxes and turtles?  How can we claim to be respecting our ancestors when we fail to preserve a legacy for our children? How do we claim to be worshiping gods that represent the forces of this world, our world, if we aren’t respecting that world?

We need to start asking ourselves:  Is this necessary for our  physical existence?  Is it necessary for our mental or spiritual health?  Is this a luxury that is worth the cost of its production?  Can we get it used?  Is there an alternative with less packaging, or more product for the package?  If there is not a feasible alternative, is it reusable?  Is it recyclable, compostable, biodegradable?  If not…why the heck are we buying whatever it is?  And if we aren’t buying it because of how its made and how its packaged (or if we have no choice), why aren’t we letting the company in question know?

I’m not calling on us to be perfect.  I’ve already admitted that I certainly am not.  I’m not pointing fingers, and I’m not making any claim to moral or ethical superiority.  I am calling upon us to do better when and where we are able.  I’m calling upon all of  us (myself included) to be honest with ourselves, to admit when and where we are being hypocritical, and to commit to a future where our purchases are made with more than just ourselves and our convenience in mind.

This has been a post for the Pagan Blog Project.