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When last I posted I made the statement that “I think that I resent the personal sacrifice, loss of ambition and de-valuing of myself by being a stay at home mom almost as much as I love my kids enough to do it.”
If I am totally honest with myself, I am the only one allowing myself to de-value myself as a stay at home mom. Yes, I can totally point to media and societal factors that help reinforce this de-valuation…but really, at the end of the day, its on me. Maybe its my (seemingly problematic) ability to allow myself to set a different sort of standard for what it means to be a parent and a person– was raised by a mother that worked and went to school and was a parent. A mother that brought home the bigger pay check. A mother that worked her butt off all day and went to school in the evenings (one of the first college degrees–both BS and MS in her family), and still managed to make sure the Brownies troop had a leader, that someone was at my ballet recital or chorus concert, and that taught me to value an education. I might add that my mother’s mother worked outside the home as well, even in a time where many women did not…so the idea of stay-at-home-mom (SAHM, if you aren’t familiar with the acronym) as an occupation was not one I was raised with.
My mother as fantastic as she was (and she was pretty damn fantastic) was not without her own faults–often she was tired, burnt out, and depended on me (an only child) to get the majority of the day to day housework done, which I often resented. I didn’t resent it because of the chores themselves (maybe a little bit)…but rather that my mom was the sort of person that looked at the mostly sparkling kitchen–mopped floors, shiny stove, etc and only saw the inside of the dirty microwave that I hadn’t noticed. Don’t get me wrong–I fully credit (now) my mother to making me mostly self sufficient in the home, minus some of the things that she didn’t have time (or perhaps inclination) to teach me (some of which were handled by my grandmother)…but its manifested itself in my adult life as this weird urge to justify anything that falls out of that *all-or-nothing* attitude. And in some ways, I would have liked more mom and less “I’m busy/tired/not feeling well”. (Mom, if you are reading this, I love you and I hope you don’t mind my talking about it too much, since its something we have discussed a bit.)
I would never think this about someone else choosing to do so…but emotionally my decision to be a SAHM feels like I’m choosing the *nothing* option–like I am wasting my experience (I was a damned good corpsman), my education and knowledge (which I worked damn hard to get), my ambition (I like working, and I have something I would actually like to do in life with my education and experience). Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. Part of our decision for me to be a stay at home mom is simple economics–the economy sucks badly enough that there just aren’t the sort of jobs available right now that would make working economical once the cost of daycare and other expenses is factored in. The other part is that I like my kids, and I (along with The Hubby) think they deserve the best sort of upbringing possible…they are bright, funny, energetic and genuine, and I think they deserve to stay that way as long as possible. I think they deserve to have the kind of upbringing that allows them to engage in the world around them (rather than to fear it), to have a variety of experiences that builds their character (rather than tearing it down) and builds upon their interests (rather than smothering them). I’m not convinced that the public school system is equipped any longer to accommodate individuals (if it ever was), nor that it contributes to the raising of the sort of future adult that I would like to see my child become (a topic for another day).
But…having a one-income family (particularly in this economy) is scary. My husband has been blessed with a good job (after two years of under-employment we are indeed thankful to have it), we have health care, he gets a pay check that puts food on the table, gas in the car and a roof over our heads…but it doesn’t offer the best job security (he’s been laid off twice, and narrowly dodged the bullet another half dozen times, including this past weekend, for which we are still keeping our fingers crossed). And, lets not forget the other stuff that can happen–illness, injury, relationship failure, or worse (not thinking about it as a possibility is just irresponsible, IMO). We don’t have the money for life insurance, and lets be honest, unemployment might keep food on the table, but it doesn’t keep the bills paid. Realistically, the longer someone is away from the job market, the less likely they are to be hired and the older one gets, the less likely they are to get hired…and my status as a female veteran does not help matters. Not only do we lack a realistic safety net, but if I were in a position where I had to get a job (rather than just want one that I can afford to be selective about), I would be stuck in the sort of job that isn’t likely to be advantageous to the economic security of my family. Plus, being the only breadwinner is a bit stressful for the hubby, and it puts a different dynamic on our relationship that we have never experienced before (and are still figuring out)–for most of our relationship we’ve both been in the military.
Do not get me wrong: I am not complaining*. We could be worse off, and other families are worse off all around the country and around the world (I stridently implore you to watch this–its only 15 minutes of your time). We have food on the table, we have a roof over our head, we have clothing, clean water, electricity, access to health care and most of the conveniences of modern life. Most importantly, we have each other. But I think, as a parent, and as part of a partnership, all of this is something that I need to deal with in one way or another and I owe it to myself and my family to consider all the consequences of this decision. The Hubby is awesome and supportive (and fully admits that he would rather work 2 full time jobs than have my SAHM job), but he can’t fix my feelings of inadequacy and indecision on the matter (the fiscal discussions and decisions on the other hand, are ones that we work out together).
*Hopefully this does not come off that way, or as too angst-y…there’s nothing more pathetic than an emo 30-something. I really don’t want my blog to be a downer, but I’d like it to be a bit more real (and less Good Housekeeping for Witches) as well. Either way, thanks for bearing with me…I’m finishing some less introspective ruminations, including a post on Yuletide preparations for tomorrow or the next day, so stay tuned.
bay witch musings 
You are so not alone in how you feel. While my circumstances may be a bit different from yours, I often feel similar when it comes to being a stay at home mom. I really struggle with the fact that I don’t contribute financially to the household. Some days or months are much better than others. I’m currently in a point where I feel pretty satisfied with my role, but that is because I have found something that is just mine that gives me some purpose besides wife and mother. It is an ongoing battle and I wish I could give you some advice, but I think it is like so many other things in life and we just have to live our way through it one day at a time.
I have a friend that loves being a SAHM, and its all she really ever wanted to do….but even she admits that its *that one thing* that is what keeps her sanity. My problem is that I have too many *that one thing* that I find interesting!!
This is something so many women (and some men) struggle with, and something that usually ends in ugly discussions when discussed in the wrong group. The thing is, you have to sacrifice something for either option – either you stay at home and give your children your full attention, or you work and your children have to go without you for periods of time. There is no perfect solution, and no matter what you do, chances are that later your children will say, “I wish my mother had done XYZ different.” But apart from that, I do not think that any option is “better” than the other. And after all, you are not making this decision to remain unchanged forever… once your children are older (or out of the house, depending on how you want to handle it) you can still go back to having a carreer.
My future sister-in-law was determined to be a SAHM when her boy was born, and now she cannot wait to get a job, and put her boy in daycare, because she cannot stand it. Some of her “friends” are trying to make her feel bad about herself because of this, but I would say that everybody has got to do what works for them.
Oh yeah, I know how ugly some of those decisions can get, I’ve been a long time member (with on-again, off-again participation) on a mom site. Lets not even get into vax/no-vax, circ/no circ, boob/bottle, cloth/disposable, etc discussions, lol. For some reason it seems that some people take other people’s decisions as a personal indictment of their soul, and other people think that because a decision is best for themselves it should be best for everyone. I think a lot of it probably comes down to insecurity and lack of introspection–I have at least gotten to a point in my life where I manage to do the latter often enough that I can work on the former.
I think remembering that just because this is our choice *now* doesn’t mean it won’t or can’t change is the key…I’ve been looking at this age as a chance to go to graduate school (which is thankfully paid for, and will even give us some income from me with the GI Bill), and to volunteer or try to find a part-time job with a non-profit as they get a little bit older (particularly if we don’t choose to homeschool–totally a discussion for another day) with the plan of FT employment when it works out.