The 5 Questions

Today, I ask both kids, for anything they do, to consider 5 questions. The questions have changed a bit, shifted in their complexity from when they were younger, but the idea behind them has been consistent since Sharkbait was in preschool and Chickadee was in kindergarten (now they are in the 4th and 6th grades, so it been a while). And sometimes I still make them tell me their answers…

But when I started, it was because Chickadee overheard a gym parent berating an older gymnast and was all wide-eyed and horrified as she grabbed her snack and drink. Goodness knows as someone who used to coach and teach lessons, I CANNOT STAND bullying sports parents, but I also don’t like being a bitch in front of my kids, so I walked up to her and asked if she was okay, and she said “I hope you never talk to me like that about something I love to do, just because I made a mistake.”

I looked at the dad, still ranting at a 10 or 11-year-old, who was trying to hold back tears and save some face in front of teammates and other parents and tiny kids that just want to do cartwheels.  And at the point where he grabbed his daughter by the shoulders to do the shaking-yell-in-the-face manuver that I was only too familiar with from my own childhood trauma, I grabbed both of Chickadee’s little hands and steered her a bit so she wasn’t looking at the dad and I more-or-less said this:

S__________, the ONLY thing this mother cares about when it comes to the activities you participate in is this:

First of all, are you working hard? I mean, you look like you are working hard, your hair looks like a scarecrow and you’re all red in the face like you ran around or something…what, were you working out?

Second, did you do the best that you could do? I mean, sometimes we just do stuff automatically…but when you do your best, you should think about all of the things that it takes to make something really good.  Nothing will ever be perfect because there’s always room for improvement, but as long as you give it your best shot according to what you are able to do, that’s what I care about as a parent.

Number three–Are you listening to your coach? It’s not my job to tell you how to do your gymnastics right, that’s your coach’s job.  She’s in charge of you, she has the expertise on this. I will encourage you, I will cheer for you, I will ask you to show off your skills so I can take picutres for grandma, I will be sad when you fall down, and I will kiss your boo-boos when you get hurt…but I’m just a spectator here.  I will never humiliate you by yelling at you in front of everyone, because that’s a bad example, whether its leadership or parenting.

Four, are you learning from what you are doing wrong? If you find 100 ways to fall down and learn something about how to be better from each and every one of them, I am MORE proud than if you’d gotten it right the first time and the second and 98 more.  Its a lot harder to get back up and try again when something is hard than when its easy.

And fifth, are you having fun?  This isn’t a job. You aren’t making a living here. Even if you want to be an Olympic gymnast someday, and I’d rather you didn’t, but if you did, you are a kid and this is an activity for exercise and play.  This should be fun.  That doesn’t mean you don’t have days where its work and hard and it hurts, but if you don’t get joy from flipping and flying in the air, then there’s no point to making you keep doing this once you’ve fulfilled your commitments.

And I said it loud.  Heck, for parts of it, I looked right at the dad…and at others, I looked at his daugher, because at that point she was looking at ME wide-eyed and perhaps a bit vaguely horrified.  The father, of course, was looking at me like he’d have shot me if only he had a gun in his Mercedes.  By then, the coaches (one of them, the owner) had come to see what was making everyone stare in our direction and call the girls (both of them to their respective practice), and the dad huffed off like any bully whose bullying has been foiled.  After class, I got a quiet thanks from the owner, who had heard what had happened and at least the end of what had been said.  For the next year, anytime I walked in with my kid, he walked out.

Afterwards, I wrote down what a paraphrased version of what I said because I thought it was something I wanted to keep telling them…which I have, though the wording has changed a bit.  I was reminded of this occasion though, because happened to be cleaning out some papers last week and found what I’d written it down upon!

I find myself coming back to this, now that I am about to complete a major milestone in my life, two years (plus some, in procrastination and preparation) in the making, and complete graduate school.

The Evolution of the 5 Questions

1) Did you do the best that you could do at the time? Let face it, somedays the best we can give is not our best. For that matter, somedays, “the best that I could do at the time” was not a damn thing… But overall, I’d like to think I do (there is no try, only do) the best we can that day, and the next day, and the next. AFAIC, that’s what I expect from the kids too–do the best you can do and move forward, no recriminations for a bad day, but no excuses either.

2) Did you work hard? …I used to ask if the kids if they worked their hardest, but let’s be honest, the words we use to explain things matter. No one is physically or mentally able to do 110% or even 100%, 24/7. Adults don’t do it, so the idea that it should be expected of a child is ridiculously hypocritical. Kids shouldn’t have expectations put on them by adults that adults can’t even bothered to achieve.

3) Did you look for the wisdom of those around you? When they were little, I asked them “Did you listen to your teacher/coach/etc.?” Its a question about teaching them that different people are athourities about different things, about behavior towards people with different expertises, in addition to value. But now that they are older, I want them to consider what else they can learn by paying attention to their surroundings, by seeing all people as potential contributors, and by considering all points of view, even those they might not agree with.  If you look for wisdom, you won’t always find it, but you will still learn something.

4) Did you find something of value from the experience? The earlier and simpler preK-1st/2nd grade version of this when they were little was “did you have fun?” As well all know, however, life is not all fun and games.  Part of growing up is learning that shitty things can still be valuable, that difficult things can be valueable, that painful (physical or mentally) things can be valueable. Its up to us to find the value in the things we have to do as much as in the things we want to do.

5) Did you learn from your mistakes and failures? And honestly, they know this is the most important question of the 5, because its the one that I expect a fully-formed and thoughtful answer on…and its one I’m not afraid to share with them. I think its our job as parents to model how we want them to be, but also to discuss when we don’t always live up to that ourselves and why.  I’m a big believer in parental fallibility–a parent should be honest about when they did something wrong, even in their role as a parent.  I think it makes your parenting more effective and I think it helps your kids respect you more as a human being that loves them and is doing their best rather than some untouchable paragon.

 

….And so, I can honestly say, yes.  I did the best that I was able. I worked hard. I learned a LOT, some of which was full of incredible wisdom. I found much of value, though right now my brain is mushy enough that I can’t remember it all.  And yes, I (mostly) learned from my mistakes and failures (except maybe the one of procrastination, because that is where true creativity lays, my friends…where it lays and where it lies…).

And now, not quite 1400 in the afternoon, it is time for a glass of wine.

 

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Quick Guidelines for Information Discernment in Paganism (and elsewhere)

Tags

evaluating information, information discernment, UPG

Part I: Consider the Source!

BS and MUS (made-up-shit)* have been longtime problems plaguing the internet, Paganism, and (where these forces combine) Paganism on the internet.   I can’t even begin to lament the number of times I’ve shaken my head in sad resignation over comments made by well-respected authors that I like in a (hopefully edited) book, much less less regarded authors (especially online).  This is why, I believed that the most useful skill for Pagans to acquire is not meditation or holding effective rituals, but information discernment.

Information discernment, most simply described, is the ability to detect what is (or is not) accurate, valid, and factual about a given set of information and to judge its usefulness.  When it comes to information discernment, everything comes down to one general rule–Always consider the source!  (there’s a second general rule, but we’ll cover that another day) But when it comes to following that rule, there’s a lot of considerations to be considering…

Who said it?
Origin is important. How we get information and who we get it from often matters when it comes to the accuracy of the information itself.

• I hate to be snobby…but what are their credentials?  What claim to authority or experience do they have in this topic?  Where did they get their experience? Don’t get me wrong, experience, authority, certification, etc, is no guarantee for competence, much less excellence…but it is often a buffer from incompetence.  Credentials don’t have to be some official certification or degree, they can come from life experience or from an area of interest, research, work, etc.  But, the person should have something to back up the idea that they have experience in the area they are discussing—do you know what it is?  If not, do they have information about themselves (or some other body of work) that you can evaluate to determine whether or not they can be generally trusted to give a fair assessment?
• What is their source?  Hey, where did they get their information from?  Is it from personal experiences or insight?  From their bartender or their sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s hairdresser?  From a peer reviewed journal?  Do they document this source?  Have they given you references for the information being passed on?  Do they explain how they have come to their conclusions?  Do they show discernment in their evaluation of the information?  If its UPG or SPG, is it labeled as such (or at least not presented as fact)?  Do they site their sources, link to them, etc?  Do they
• What is their bias? Do they admit it? Does it interfere with their conclusions or its presentation? Look, everyone has bias. The problem isn’t having bias, its being upfront and honest about it. How well do they identify and mitigate the influence their bias has on their ideas?  Do they present or acknowledge differing interpretations?  Do they defend their position, particularly if it is novel or not supported by evidence (more on this in a bit)?

Facts is facts:
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. While even a stopped clock is still right twice a day, its rather unhelpful the other 99.8611% of the time…

• Is this common knowledge?  If its “common knowledge” –George Washington was the 1st President of the United States of America, the sky is blue, water is wet, etc, then it doesn’t need a source and we can take the information for granted.  The trick of course, is determining what “common knowledge” consists of–not every one has the same level of education.  Also, some “common knowledge” is wrong–bumblebees, for example, do not “break the laws of physics” when they fly.  My rule of thumb for disseminating “common knowledge” is that 1) I can find it in a dictionary, encyclopedia entry, etc and 2) I learned it before 12th grade…the problem there is that I had parents that thought that readingness**was next to godliness.
• Is this uncommon knowledge?  My IRL degree is in biology and my IRL career is as a scientist (though not in the field of biology).  My husband is a Civil War reenactor.  My mom is a nurse with over 30 years experience and a master’s degree.  My best friend has a degree in outdoor education and has guided and taught wilderness classes.  My neighbor is obsessed with fossils.  All of us have highly specialized and compartmentalized areas of interest where we have likely done lots of reading and research, whether its a hobby or for work or because we just like it.  Because of this, our knowledge in certain areas goes beyond what is common knowledge for the average person.  If you know that the person has an area of personal expertise (this goes back to the idea of credentials), what seems uncommon knowledge*** to you might be something you can consider as common knowledge to them.  When it comes to uncommon knowledge, my rule of thumb is “Can I find a good reference that supports this claim in under 5 minutes on Google?”–personally, I then try to link that information, but sometimes things slip by.
• Is this a personal interpretation on common/uncommon knowledge?  There is a tendency to assimilate information into our world view, either to reinforce it or to redirect it (both of which depends on how open minded and flexible we are).  For someone that is neither of those things (or lacks that capacity on certain topics), there is a tendency to deny or disregard those discrete pieces of information that do not agree with our pre-existing bias.  If someone is giving a personal interpretation or supposition based on their understanding of information, do they illustrate how they have come to these conclusions or built this point of view?
• Is this a novel claim or a claim without evidence?  If I say something like “there is no god” or “there is one god” or “there are many gods”, I am making a claim without evidence.  While none of these are particularly novel statements (think something along the line of “Chinese scientists have invented a time machine” or “People rode dinosaurs like horses”), they are claims that cannot be supported with replicatable, independently corroborated, physical evidence.  This doesn’t mean that these ideas are wrong, but rather that they are not fact.  UPG**** has a very important role to play in personal traditions, but the presenter of the information should not pass it off as something that it is not, particularly as historically or scientifically accurate.

Is it written to you, for your needs?

• Who is the target audience for the information?  Different audiences have different requirements for the verification of claims.  What and how I support information that I present here in a blog post or what I see when I read someone else’s blog post (where it should be expected to be my opinion on the basis of my experiences) is very different from what and how I support information that I present in reports for my job or for a presentation or research article (where my information and assessments are based on direct observation, testing, and a comparison to third party established limits and a fairly wide body of research).  Expectations for the latter type of support in the former type of format is unrealistic and excessive.
• Is the audience general or specific?  While I don’t write for any specific “target audience”, its undeniable that my blog is of a Pagan, eclectic, pantheistic/soft-polytheistic, bioregional, and family-based tone.  Also its occasionally liberal, feminist, concerned with veterans issues, and environmentalist.  And, I’m white, hetero, cis, middle class, and married with a child that has ADHD.  So my bias (in what I consider “common” or “specialized” knowledge) will tend fall into those areas–not consciously or intentionally, but because I am those things, it goes to follow that those will usually be my inherent biases.  This means that certain words may have additional definitions or a subtext that another group may not think of–as a witch and someone that makes things with yarn, when I talk about crafting, it can go either way (or both)…for that matter, as a person that crochets, when I use the word “hooker”, its in the context of making things with yarn.  When we read something specialized from a different specialization or from a general perspective, we need to consider whether or not the author is intending their words in the way we are interpreting them, or if they are geared towards a more specific context due to their intended audience.

Addendum:
*I’m totally borrowing this acronym from PF member Thorbjorn!
**yeah, I totally made that up :p
***what I call uncommon knowledge is maybe more accurately called specialized knowledge…
****Unverified Personal Gnosis

(And stay tuned for Part II, WHEN IN DOUBT, CHECK IT OUT!)

Maxim Monday: Make just judgements (Κρινε δικαια)

Tags

#delphicmaxims, judgement, Justice, maxim monday

I don’t expect Heathens to apologize for the actions of their racist minority, Southern Baptists to apologize for the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church, or Catholics to apologize for pedo priests.  It should then follow that I don’t except Muslims to apologize for the actions of their tiny radicalized minority that does violence either.

Terrorism that uses religion as its excuse is not the responsibility of the rest of its followers that live peacefully and faithfully.  It is the responsibility of those that fall into its trap, period.  Yes, we can sit here and talk about the millions of possibly contributory variables (variables that don’t cause other people to do the same thing), but at the end of the day, the decision to cause unprovoked harm against families having dinner or going to a show, at their place of work or worship, is a choice.

Personally, I’m good with not justifying their cause by acknowledging that they have a name…terrorism is terrorism. It doesn’t matter what crusade of hatred they’re using as an excuse. Whether they bomb a stadium or a mosque, put on a pointy hood to burn crosses or vandalize a home or bookstore because they are too dumb to know otherwise, set fire to an African American church or to an abortion clinic, shoot up a cafe or school, they are, all the same to me, and I will not give them the dignity of an identity.  Call it what it is–hate, fear, ignorance, and violence…terrorism.

 But I’m not bringing up this maxim to denounce the hatred and bigotry of terrorists…it goes without saying that any rational and reasonably compassionate human being would do so.  I’m bringing this up to denounce our own hatred and bigotry.  Because I’ve been seeing a lot of ignorance in word and deed over the last two weeks, from people that I would never have thought would lack the dignity of the reasoned and compassionate response.

When we fall into this trap–the trap of blaming a group for the deeds of individuals, of advocating or perpetuating discrimination or violence against the group by holding the innocent responsible for the deeds of bad actors, for removing their agency and their humanity from them by denying them the basic rights of human beings (rights we demand of ourselves), we let terror win.  Not only do we let terror win, but we become the haters and the bigots.

The common chimpanzee wages war to maintain and gain territory.  They will harass, kill, and even consume the bodies of members of other tribes–even babies–that breach their borders (with the exception of young females).  The pygmy chimp on the other hand, wages love (and I mean this quite literally).  These two species are our closest evolutionary relatives, and they split from one another around a million years ago (our ancestors split from their common ancestor around six million years ago).  These two species are held captive by their genetics, driven by their instincts.  But something in our own evolutionary path has allowed us to transcend genetics to some degree, to overcome our instincts in this regard, to choose our actions and reactions.

We need not choose to condemn or consume the other among us, simply for their other-ness.  We need not be held captive by fear and hatred.  Territoriality and nativism need not rule the better angels of our nature.  We can choose a better path.  We can act with compassion and honor.  We can judge individuals on their individual merits.  We can make just judgment.

From the Wee Grimoire: Pair-of-socks, Not Balance

Tags

balance, disney, mulan, paradox, wee grimoire

Sharkbait: Mom, what’s a pair of socks?
Me: Huh?
Sharkbait: a PAIR OF SOCKS!
Me: You need a pair of socks? You have some on your feet! Why do you need more socks?
Sharkbait: NO mom, a PAIR-A-SOCKS! What IS it?!?
Me (with a total blank look): I have no idea what you are talking about. Socks are the things we put on our feet to keep them warm. A pair of socks are two socks that match…hopefully.
Sharkbait (looking exasperated): Duh! That’s not the pair-a-socks I’m talking about.
Chickadee (looking up from her book): Mom, he means a pair-of-DOCKS.
Me: A pair-of-do…. Oh! A PARADOX!!!
Sharkbait: That’s what I said mom! A Pair-a-socks! What is it?

Nevermind that I seriously wondered where my kids heard the word paradox, we busted out the dictionary (via google) and looked it up. One of these days I should get a print dictionary…the kids should probably learn how to use one. Anyhow, the definition wasn’t terribly useful for a 6 year old. Luckily his sister came to the rescue with her encyclopedia-like knowlege of Disney movies, which led to an intense discussion of how we should be like paradoxes.

I’ve always had a bit of a problem with the concept of balance as a spiritual or emotional goal. Balance, to me, seemed too much like trying to stand on the middle of a see-saw, putting a litte of this here, a little of that there. For a while, I tried out the idea of equilibrium. At first glance it seems like another word for balance, but when applied to math and science means something else–“An equilibrium of a dynamical system is a value of the state variables where the state variables do not change.” Equilibruim (chemical) basically says that there is X amount of product A and Y amount of product B reacting together to form Z amount of product C until it hits a sort of sweet spot of constant amounts of A, B, and C (and meanwhile, inside the solution its still active, with A and B combining to form C and C splitting up for form A and B). But that seemed too complicated, and still…not quite right.

Kids though, exhibit moments of brillance and are often good at cutting through the BS.

We should be like a pair of socks.

We should be paradoxes.

And we have now added an adapted version of the Mulan song to their little BoS/Grimoire.

Earth, sky
Day, night
Sound and silence
Dark and light

One alone is not enough
You need both together
Winter, summer
Moon and sun
Lesson Number One

Like a rock
You must be hard!
Like an Oak
You must stand firm!
Come quick
Like my blade
Think fast
Unafraid

Like a cloud,
Float softly
Like bamboo,
Bend in the wind
Creeping slow,
Like a turtle
Know in peace that
It’s ok to be afraid

One alone is not enough
You need both together
Winter, summer
Moon and sun
Lesson number one!

(Adapted from the song “Lesson Number One” from Mulan II)

A Yuletide Maxim Monday: Praise Hope

Tags

delphic maxim blogging party, Delphic Maxims, hope, maxim monday, mermaids, yule

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

~~Emily Dickinson~~

A warm and brightly lit winter night is a modern invention. Its fairly easily forgotten by us, in our place of technological privilege, but before the inventions of the gas heater (1856), the electric heater (1883), and a modern central air style-heater (1919), winters could be quite perilous. Combined with the uncertainty of a community or farmstead’s food supply, of medical care in case of illness, and other hardships, it should be of little surprise that people from many cultures have chosen the time of the solstice for celebration in their own ways.  The Longest Night comes at the apex of winter, a celebration that the sun will strengthen and return prosperity.  We celebrate this time as a time of hope.  Hope is the gift of life.

Hope is not your typical form of positivity. Most positive emotions arise when we feel safe and satiated. Hope is the exception. It comes into play when our circumstances are dire – things are not going well or at least there’s considerable uncertainty about how things will turn out. Hope arises precisely within those moments when fear, hopelessness or despair seem just as likely.

Hope literally opens us up. It removes the blinders of fear and despair and allows us to see the big picture. We become creative, unleashing our dreams for the future.  This is because deep within the core of hope is the belief that things can change. No matter how awful or uncertain they are at the moment, things can turn out for the better. Possibilities exist. Belief in this better future sustains us. It keeps us from collapsing in despair. It infuses our bodies with the healing rhythms of positivity. It motivates us to tap into our signature capabilities and inventiveness to turn things around. It inspires us to build a better future.

~~Barbara Frederickson 

It seems like we are living in a time where cynicism is now fashionable.  Just take a look at the TV or the internet for more than 5 minutes, it should be fairly obvious.  But I think, perhaps, the Greeks called it right on this one.  We should be praising hope, not making fun or condemning those that have it, even if we perceive the source of that hope, or what they hold hope in as foolish.  If you ask my daughter what she wants to be when she grows up, she will tell you that she wants to be a mermaid.  When I foolishly advised Chickadee that this might not be an wise choice in careers–or even a career at all, she responded with “But momma, you always told me that if I worked really hard and tried my best, I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up.”  Darn if she didn’t have me there.  Even better, the reason she wants to be a mermaid?  To teach people how to live in peace with Mama O’shen and her creatures.

I’m willing to bet that my Chickadee will find a way to be a mermaid.

And I hope that she can teach people to live in peace with Mama O’shen and her creatures.