Maxim Monday: Have respect for suppliants (Ικετας αιδου)

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#delphicmaxims, #paganvalues, behavior, civility in religion, interfaith, interfaith etiquette, maxim monday, prayer, religion and politics, religious freedom, respect, tolerance

Its been a while since I’ve done one of these (at least a year, I think), but I came a cross a spot-on blog post on a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and I thought it might be time to bring back Maxim Mondays (not every Monday to be sure, but more often than not at all!).

Originally, I had something of a slightly different tenor in mind.  Something lofty, something about being our best selves, something about respecting the individual and collective search for truth of all people, even those we disagree with. Because I think that having respect was something that should be self-evident among a majority of reasonable people. Because I think that religion has become the scapegoat for the behavior of people who are just assholes.

Christian, Jew, Muslim, shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the mystery, unique and not to be judged.
~Rumi

Because, when in the presence of the prayers of persons belonging to a religion that is not my own, I take a moment to bow my head, close my eyes, and think of bloody England out of good manners, and respect so that they may have their moment of reverence.   Because I was raised to think that a certain level of civility in public discourse is essential to a diverse society and that most people understand that it takes the cooperation of all peoples to maintain that civility.  Because I think that we should respect the person as a person, even if we disagree with their beliefs.

In fact, I even had it written and scheduled to post tomorrow morning.  And then I deleted it all.  Because I’m sick of some people use their religion as a shield for being an asshole. (really, you should go read this, because the entire post is going to be a rant about it)

Wide differences of opinion in matters of religious, political, and social belief must exist if conscience and intellect alike are not to be stunted, if there is to be room for healthy growth.

~Teddy Roosevelt

Let me first say that this event comes as no surprise (particularly after a similar event a few weeks or so ago).  Let me secondly say that I strongly feel that religion has no part in governance, not even in invocatory prayers.  If you need to pray to do your job, do it on your own time like every other wage earning member of the public is forced to do.  But, with that being said, if we are to acknowledge and continue the tradition of invocations in the legislature, or any other place of civil governance or official state-sponsored event, then it must be open to everyone.

Sure, those who disagree with an invocation certainly have the right to walk out or turn their back or heck, to stand upside down and sing a song. Actually doing so makes them an asshole with no manners.  And, in this case, an asshole with no manners using their religion as the scapegoat for their bad behavior.  If you are a Christian that feels the need to turn your back in protest for an interfaith prayer, you are not “being like Jesus” or showing strength of conviction, you are only showing that you are so insecure in your beliefs that you can’t manage basic civility, and you look like an ignorant bigot.  You’d have been better not to show up at all (and hold your own prayers privately.

If man is to survive, he will have learned to take a delight in the essential differences between men and between cultures. He will learn that differences in ideas and attitudes are a delight, part of life’s exciting variety, not something to fear.

~Gene Roddenberry

Religion is a tool.  It can be both beneficial and benign, but it can also be destructive; it all depends on the heart of the person using it.  When one’s heart is bound with hate and darkened with ignorance and fear, religion becomes a tool that divides and destroys. Respecting someone’s expression of their religion does not mean allowing bad behavior to pass without comment.  Respecting religion does not mean tolerating incivility and intolerance.  Respecting religious freedom is not a free pass to allow ashattery to run unchecked.

If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.

~John F. Kennedy

I don’t care what name (or names) are used to address what one believes to be divine in this universe, how our how often one prays, what books one reads, holidays one celebrates, or what dogma (or lack of it) they claim represents that power; I care that one treats others with the same compassion and respect that they would wish for themselves from someone whose beliefs are different from their own.

And if they can’t manage that, then they should at least learn to use some good manners.

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Etiquette and Religion, Revisited

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interfaith etiquette, religious differences, religious discussions, religious tolerance, respect

Look, people are going to disagree in life.  And they are going to disagree even more about religion, which many consider a vital part of their identity, culturally and individually.  The problem is not disagreement, the problem is the oft-perceived idea that disagreement is a personal insult to oneself followed by the wielding of disagreement as a weapon as a result of that insult.  Disagreement is not a statement of unworthiness of another, or superiority of one’s self.  Really, its not.  

But maybe we need to learn to disagree with one another better.  This is where manners come into the picture.  I don’t think that having manners means leaving disagreement behind.  In all actuality, I think that part of having manners is being respectfully honest.  The honest truth about religion is that the only thing that determines “right” is belief.  It goes without saying that I believe I’m right (or at least more right than the next guy), or else I’d have different beliefs. It also goes without saying that people with diametrically different and even opposed beliefs believe that they are right as well.  This leaves us with the problem of having equal claim to “rightness”…and it means that we need to work on how we express ourselves in such a way that is compassionate and respectful to one another as people.

Two years ago, I felt compelled to write a list of “Interfaith Etiquette” guidelines.  Every once in a while, I feel compelled to post them again.  Heck, I even followed it up with a “Netiquette” version, specifically geared towards blog posting and discussion.  I’m going to repost the pertinent part to both of those  (again), but first, I want to direct your attention to this very excellent post over at Pagan Activist, which happens to be right in line with this train of thought.

Okay, now that you are back…without further ado (because we can all stand to be reminded from time to time):

Etiquette Guidelines for Interfaith Discussions

1.) If someone asks about your religious beliefs, share (respectfully and with compassion). If they don’t ask, don’t assume that sharing will be welcome and go out of your way to do so.

2.) If you feel compelled to ask someone else as a way to spark a discussion about their beliefs, back off if they aren’t interested.

3.) Make sure the setting is appropriate for the discussion so neither party will feel uncomfortable.

4.) Don’t act like your truth is everyone’s truth–it isn’t, because if it were, there wouldn’t be a conversation on the matter. When expressing your beliefs, use I-statements to express your personal beliefs.

5.) Refrain from using absolute or exclusive language, but don’t assume that absolute or exclusive statements are made with negative intent.

6.) If you are in a mutual discussion of beliefs, don’t use your theological opinion as a tool for condemnation or insult.

7.) Realize that the people who vocally use their beliefs about religion as an excuse to be a jerk are louder than those that don’t, if you want to be a good ambassador for your faith, act your ideals, and even share them, but don’t preach them.

8.) Language is imprecise–different religious and denominations have differing terminology; understand the limits of your religious literacy and ask for clarification if you are unsure of one’s meaning.

9.) Disagreement is not an automatic insult or attack. Try to refrain from taking offense to comments that may be well-intended, but poorly phrased.

10.) Courteously and constructively correct misinformation. Do not get drawn into an argument (as opposed to a debate). Be polite, even when the other person is not.

11.) If things start going badly, be the adult and back off. When this happens, don’t wait for the other person – do it first. If you are a person that has to have the last word, remember that walking away with dignity while the other person brays like an ass is its own last word.

A particular challenge in discussions about religious and spiritual beliefs is when they meet the internet.  In addition to blogging and other forms of social media, I’ve been a member and then a moderator,  and finally an administrator and co-owner of Pagan Forum for at least a decade now–I’ve had plenty of time to observe and engage in discussions of religion online.  Internet interaction, I think, calls for some extra guidelines…

Netiquette for Inter/Intrafaith Discussions

Responsibilities of the Writer: 

1)  Know your audience.  As a writer, you should know who your audience is–its just sort of common sense that one needs to know who they are writing to, and what interests and perspectives readers might have, in order to appropriately address topics.  But part of knowing your targeted or expected audience is also knowing that some of them might just be curious drop-ins…  If your goal is to foster thought and discussion solely within one’s community, that’s fine (though a consideration of how they could be taken by others might be a good idea)…but if your goal is to spark discussions across communities (either sub-groups within the same faith group, or between faith groups), then perhaps its a good idea to see what your words feel like from an outside perspective and model them appropriately.

2)  Strive for accuracy and honesty.  Try to emphasize when something is a personal opinion (albeit a hopefully educated one) as opposed to a fact-based statement.  Particularly when discussing contentious topics (in which case, try to acknowledge if not address different opinions) or in environments where you could be construed as a subject matter expert or a representative of a particular view.  If you know you are biased on a particular topic, ante up and admit it.

3)  Write  with respect.  The bottom line here is to write with respect for one’s subject matter and one’s audience.  Sometimes that can be a quite difficult balance to achieve.  There are a number of ways to do this: cite sources, admit bias, use inclusive language, make ‘I’ statements, and overall…be kind–or at least as kind as possible if and when criticism is necessary.

4)  Make it readable.  I admit, I’m totally guilty of tl;dr at times…and UAWA (using abbreviations with abandon–and yes, I totally made that one up as a joke), incredibly bad humor, and overuse of ellipses and parentheses. Look, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be able to be read and understood without too much difficulty.  If most people struggle to read it, there isn’t much of a point to have written it!  Things like format (hello, paragraphs!), punctuation and spelling, syntax and grammar matter, as does clarity and specificity in language (terminology matters!).  And for the love of all that you consider holy, use paragraphs–I won’t even bother to try to decipher a total wall of text, it hurts my eye balls and my brain.

Responsibilities of the Reader:

1)  Know the audience of the writer.   Lets be honest here, writers write with a specific audience in mind.  So be mindful of whose internet home you are walking into.  Don’t jump down someone’s throat for disagreeing with you when you wandered into their site (this doesn’t mean you can’t disagree with them).  Religious beliefs are opinions, and a person that wanders into a community with different opinions from theirs should expect to disagree with them.  Don’t automatically take disagreement, even at a fundamental level of how your own beliefs are viewed, as a personal insult.

2)  Read with an open mind and an open heart.  Try to see things from the writer’s perspective and experience.  You don’t have to agree with them, but try to see where they are coming from and why that background could lead them to see things as they do.  Don’t take a general opinion as a personal attack, even if that is how they feel…often people have opinions that they have absolutely no real world experience with (and usually those opinions are the most offensive ones!).  A decent person can still have a shitty opinion, so try to refrain from passing judgement on a person, instead of their ideas and reasoning.

3)  Give some “benefit of the doubt” to the writer.  Writing well can be hard and writing well on hard topics can be even harder.  Sometimes people say things in a way that is not immediately clear what they mean, or they give insult where none is intended because the words they use are not understood in the same way they were meant to be delivered.  In light of an entire post, try not to take single comments out of context, unless they are an illustration of overall disagreement.  Unlike a face to face discussion, where a person has instant feedback and can see that a conversation is starting to go off track and clarify points or ask questions, internet discussions are dependent on when someone can get back to it (and a whole lot can go wrong in that time).  On the other hand, the key word here is some–some comments need to be challenged, whether it be for their sheer offensiveness, or because the author is someone that should know better (and if they don’t they need to be told), etc.

Responsibilities of the Responder/Commenter:

1)  If you didn’t read it all, don’t comment/respond…9 times out of 10 I’m willing to bet it will leave you breaking my next “rule”.

2)  Don’t be an ass.  A responder/commenter is both a reader and a writer and is responsible for behaving as both, the only additional duty you really have is to not be a jerk when you respond.  Ask yourself questions like “Will this contribute to the conversation?”, “Am I voicing a legitimate concern or critique that shows alternative points of view and furthers the discussion?”, “Do my comments get the author and other readers additional insight into the situation?” and “Would I say this to my mother/spouse/child/best friend?”.   If the answer to questions like those is “No”, then perhaps a rewording or rethinking of the comment is in order.

Maxim Monday: Respect Yourself

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#delphicmaxims, delphic maxim blogging party, Delphic Maxims, respect

If you’re walking ’round
Think’n that the world
Owes you something
‘Cause you’re here
You goin’ out
The world backwards
Like you did
When you first come here

~The Staple Singers, Respect Yourself (check out their 1972 live performance)

Respect yourself.

It seems like such a modern idea, doesn’t it?  Or an obvious observation, at the very least.  It seems that way, and yet it can be pretty damn hard to actually carry out.

Just for fun, I asked Chickadee what it meant to “respect yourself”…just to see what she would say.  And she had no answer.   Really?  REALLY?  My kid had no idea what it meant to respect herself?

So I asked her what it meant to respect someone else.  And she gets that.  Translated from kindergartner: be courteous and compassionate, show tolerance and give people the benefit of the doubt, demonstrate honesty and forthrightness in your dealings with others.  And then I asked her how she could direct those ideas to herself.

Her answer was to ask mom to help fix a bubble bath and a hot chocolate when she’s had a bad day at school.

Kids are brilliant.

At the end of the day, respecting ourselves is about knowing when we’ve had a bad day (or a good one).  Respecting ourselves is about knowing when to indulge in ourselves, or when to invest in ourselves, or when to discipline ourselves.  Respecting ourselves is about taking the time to forgive ourselves when we didn’t measure up, about celebrating when we did.  Respecting ourselves is about being in tune with our needs, and asking for help when we need it.

Respecting ourselves is about recognizing our health (emotional, physical, and spiritual) as the foundation for what can go out and do in the world.

Sometimes that means we quit…a job that beats us down or a relationship that belittles us on a daily basis.  Sometimes that means we persevere.  Respecting ourselves can mean walking away or taking a stand.  It can be about our values, or our value.  It can mean overcoming a challenge–whether it be the challenge of allowing ourselves the occasional luxury (my problem) or the problem of giving up too many luxuries.  The manner in which we show respect for ourselves is varied…but the basis of it is dependent on our ability to appreciate ourselves both as individuals and as part of humanity.

 

 

 

Valued Ideals and Ideal Values: Plurality

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faith, opinions, pagan, plurality, respect, tolerance, values

It is an occupational hazard of pluralism that we must live alongside people who differ from us. This gives rise to discomfort, displeasure, fear, and even anger. Civilization asks that, at such times, we refrain from drawing swords. It requires that we continue to draw distinctions.

From the article, “Voices of the New Generation,” by Elizabeth Kristol, The New York Times, Sept. 25, 1989.

If respect makes up the foundation of Paganism, then plurality is the framework it is built upon.  Really, plurality defines Paganism as a whole.  We have a plurality of traditions, views on diety, dieties themselves, experiences, practices, modes of worship, and beliefs.  Plurality as a value however, has to do more than just exist for it to be meaningful…

Plurality has several dictionary definitions– “the  condition in which numerous distinct ethnic, religious, or cultural groups are present and tolerated within a society” and  “the belief that such a condition is desirable or socially beneficial” as well as the philosophical definitions that “the doctrine that reality is composed of many ultimate substances” and “the belief that no single explanatory system or view of reality can account for all the phenomena of life”  .  But I think a better definiton can be found from Harvard University’s Pluralism Project:

The plurality of religious traditions and cultures has come to characterize every part of the world today. But what is pluralism? Here are four points to begin our thinking:

• First, pluralism is not diversity alone, but the energetic engagement with diversity. Diversity can and has meant the creation of religious ghettoes with little traffic between or among them. Today, religious diversity is a given, but pluralism is not a given; it is an achievement. Mere diversity without real encounter and relationship will yield increasing tensions in our societies.
• Second, pluralism is not just tolerance, but the active seeking of understanding across lines of difference. Tolerance is a necessary public virtue, but it does not require Christians and Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and ardent secularists to know anything about one another. Tolerance is too thin a foundation for a world of religious difference and proximity. It does nothing to remove our ignorance of one another, and leaves in place the stereotype, the half-truth, the fears that underlie old patterns of division and violence. In the world in which we live today, our ignorance of one another will be increasingly costly.
• Third, pluralism is not relativism, but the encounter of commitments. The new paradigm of pluralism does not require us to leave our identities and our commitments behind, for pluralism is the encounter of commitments. It means holding our deepest differences, even our religious differences, not in isolation, but in relationship to one another.
• Fourth, pluralism is based on dialogue. The language of pluralism is that of dialogue and encounter, give and take, criticism and self-criticism. Dialogue means both speaking and listening, and that process reveals both common understandings and real differences. Dialogue does not mean everyone at the “table” will agree with one another. Pluralism involves the commitment to being at the table — with one’s commitments.

—Diana L. Eck 

also worth reading

Looking at pluralism in such a manner, and applying it as a Pagan value is quite simple–in theory.   True pluralism requires that we find worth in being diverse, in having differing opinions, in engaging in different forms of worship.  It asks that we actively engage with one another, to seek understanding and to have enoughcommitment in faith to not feel threatened by differing views.  True pluralism requires respect as its foundation, and without pluralism and respect, there is no Paganism, there are just a collection of religious paths and traditions that are pagan.  To be quite honest, not every follower of a pagan religion is capable of and/or willing to be Pagan. 

One’s path is a single trail.  Some of them are wide, and well trod, others are a whisper of the trees branches falling back into place, without a footprint to mark the way.  Yours and mine may not have much in common, compared side by side…but collectively, our paths are a continuum of the human experience’s interaction with divinity.  And it is the fact that we find value and meaning from the continuum as a whole ,  rather than a highway bulldozed thru a forest, that defines what pluralism as a Pagan.

There are surely things that are wrong, but a pluralistic world view means that, once we have found something we know to be right, we do not know that everything else is wrong. One god worthy of worship does not make all other gods false. One life worth living does not make all other lifestyles inferior. One candidate worth supporting does not make all other candidates assholes (although, y’know, maybe).

from http://www.deborahlipp.com/wordpress/2009/06/03/pagan-values-month-putting-the-poly-in-polytheism/

I think this is an important distinction–Pluralism indicates that there are many ‘right’ ways, not that there are no wrong ones.  Part of the challange is to find the sticking point on acceptability within Paganism.  We value autonomy far more than any other system of belief that I have encountered, and while that allows us a great deal of freedom and leeway, it also implies a great deal of personal responsibility (which is probably a topic in and of itself for another day).    

It is our challenge to embrace the traditions of those that differ from ours as equally valid,  to engage in meaningful communications with those individuals whose paths differ from our own, and to accept their presence within a greater Pagan community of faiths…without that commitment to the continuum, we are just a bunch of people on some trails in the woods…and I don’t know about you, but if that was all I was interested in, I wouldn’t be reading any of these essays, muchless writing one or two or five.

Valued Ideals and Ideal Values: Respect

Tags

Divinity, ethics, ideals, paganism, respect, values

Respect should define who you are–not just what you do. 

–my grandfather

If Paganism were a building, respect would be its foundation.  Respect for the gods or for the Divine, respect for the spirits of the land, respect for the cycles of nature, respect of the Earth, respect for life AND for death, respect for one’s self and one’s kin, respect for another to believe as they wish, respect for the will of another…at the heart of nearly all of our beliefs, in our individual paths is respect for the the divinity (by whatever names we call it) we experience outside of ourselves, respect for the the divinity we hold within and respect for the divinity within others (wether we have ever bothered to think about it and name it such or not.

But what exactly is respect?  Its not exactly an easy thing to define.  Quite honestly, collectively, we probably give respect the Justice Stewart definition “I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it!”  Goodness knows the dictionary isn’t even much help, “to honor or hold something in esteem, or to have regard or consideration for” –really, what does that even mean?   Respect is an action, an attitute that we approach things with, a feeling we have (or pretend to have–I have been in the military for long enough to know the pretense is often just as effective) for ourselves and the myriad of things and people around us.  Respect in and of itself is not unique to Pagans, but I think that overall we exhibit a multiplicity of respect that is lacking in many other religion’s world views.   

An attitude of respect is, most generally, a relation between a subject and an object in which the subject responds to the object from a certain perspective in some appropriate way. Respect necessarily has an object: respect is always directed toward, paid to, felt about, shown for some object. While a very wide variety of things can be appropriate objects of one kind of respect or another, the subject of respect (the respecter) is always a person, that is, a conscious rational being capable of recognizing and acknowledging things, of self-consciously and intentionally responding to them, of having and expressing values with regard to them, and of being accountable for disrespecting or failing to respect them.

from http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/respect/

From a Pagan perspective, the respect for an outer divinity manifests itself in a myriad of ways.  My Asatru co-worker honors the Landvaettir (I hope I spelled that right) of his home, I pay my own respects to Thalatta when I walk her beaches, my friend Rafe holds a feast for the  gods that she has a special relationship with, and my two year-old daughter tells everything “tank you”, from the tree to the fishy and the moon to the Goddess, each night.  The fact that we respect our gods isn’t really special–all religions respect their own gods, but the idea that most of us also respect the gods we do not worship in is somewhat unique, as is the sheer variety of ways in which it is acceptable to show that respect.

The idea of paying heed or giving proper attention to the object which is central to respect often means trying to see the object clearly, as it really is in its own right, and not seeing it solely through the filter of one’s own desires and fears or likes and dislikes. Thus, respecting something contrasts with being oblivious or indifferent to it, ignoring or quickly dismissing it, neglecting or disregarding it, or carelessly or intentionally misidentifying it.

from http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/respect/

Perhaps the bigger challenge to be found is in our ability as individuals and as a group to respect oneself and others, and more importantly, respecting the differences between ourselves and others (both within the Pagan community, and outside of it).    Charity, hospitality,  honesty, honor, tolerence…all of these are based on the ability to respect more than just the rights of another, but to respect that individual as a person.  While we tend to do this very well in our views of sex and sexuality or cultural relavitism or individual rights; there is still a tendency to be very (hypo)critical in this regard (particularly in terms of Pagan vs. Christian, recon vs. eclectic, etc).  Criticism is not inherently disrespectful either…you can respect a person’s right to an opinion without respecting the opinion itself.  Respect does not mean that you have to agree.  It does not mean you are a doormat.  Infact, to blindly agree or be a doormat would show incredible lack of respect for one’s self.  But it does mean that one needs to try and put aside their own issues and view the other on its own terms.

Respect is one of the most challenging aspects of our faiths, but it is one that is essential.  Without respect, the rest is impossible. 

 

(a response to International Pagan Values Blogging Month)