Maxim Monday: Have respect for suppliants (Ικετας αιδου)

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#delphicmaxims, #paganvalues, behavior, civility in religion, interfaith, interfaith etiquette, maxim monday, prayer, religion and politics, religious freedom, respect, tolerance

Its been a while since I’ve done one of these (at least a year, I think), but I came a cross a spot-on blog post on a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and I thought it might be time to bring back Maxim Mondays (not every Monday to be sure, but more often than not at all!).

Originally, I had something of a slightly different tenor in mind.  Something lofty, something about being our best selves, something about respecting the individual and collective search for truth of all people, even those we disagree with. Because I think that having respect was something that should be self-evident among a majority of reasonable people. Because I think that religion has become the scapegoat for the behavior of people who are just assholes.

Christian, Jew, Muslim, shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the mystery, unique and not to be judged.
~Rumi

Because, when in the presence of the prayers of persons belonging to a religion that is not my own, I take a moment to bow my head, close my eyes, and think of bloody England out of good manners, and respect so that they may have their moment of reverence.   Because I was raised to think that a certain level of civility in public discourse is essential to a diverse society and that most people understand that it takes the cooperation of all peoples to maintain that civility.  Because I think that we should respect the person as a person, even if we disagree with their beliefs.

In fact, I even had it written and scheduled to post tomorrow morning.  And then I deleted it all.  Because I’m sick of some people use their religion as a shield for being an asshole. (really, you should go read this, because the entire post is going to be a rant about it)

Wide differences of opinion in matters of religious, political, and social belief must exist if conscience and intellect alike are not to be stunted, if there is to be room for healthy growth.

~Teddy Roosevelt

Let me first say that this event comes as no surprise (particularly after a similar event a few weeks or so ago).  Let me secondly say that I strongly feel that religion has no part in governance, not even in invocatory prayers.  If you need to pray to do your job, do it on your own time like every other wage earning member of the public is forced to do.  But, with that being said, if we are to acknowledge and continue the tradition of invocations in the legislature, or any other place of civil governance or official state-sponsored event, then it must be open to everyone.

Sure, those who disagree with an invocation certainly have the right to walk out or turn their back or heck, to stand upside down and sing a song. Actually doing so makes them an asshole with no manners.  And, in this case, an asshole with no manners using their religion as the scapegoat for their bad behavior.  If you are a Christian that feels the need to turn your back in protest for an interfaith prayer, you are not “being like Jesus” or showing strength of conviction, you are only showing that you are so insecure in your beliefs that you can’t manage basic civility, and you look like an ignorant bigot.  You’d have been better not to show up at all (and hold your own prayers privately.

If man is to survive, he will have learned to take a delight in the essential differences between men and between cultures. He will learn that differences in ideas and attitudes are a delight, part of life’s exciting variety, not something to fear.

~Gene Roddenberry

Religion is a tool.  It can be both beneficial and benign, but it can also be destructive; it all depends on the heart of the person using it.  When one’s heart is bound with hate and darkened with ignorance and fear, religion becomes a tool that divides and destroys. Respecting someone’s expression of their religion does not mean allowing bad behavior to pass without comment.  Respecting religion does not mean tolerating incivility and intolerance.  Respecting religious freedom is not a free pass to allow ashattery to run unchecked.

If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.

~John F. Kennedy

I don’t care what name (or names) are used to address what one believes to be divine in this universe, how our how often one prays, what books one reads, holidays one celebrates, or what dogma (or lack of it) they claim represents that power; I care that one treats others with the same compassion and respect that they would wish for themselves from someone whose beliefs are different from their own.

And if they can’t manage that, then they should at least learn to use some good manners.

Thalassa’s Etiquette Guidelines for Interfaith Discussions (Version 2.0)

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can't we all just get along, interfaith discussion, religious etiquette, tolerance

I’ve updated this a bit since I wrote and posted it the first time in 2011.  Here’s the updated version…

1.) If someone asks about your religious beliefs, share (respectfully and with compassion). If they don’t ask, don’t assume that sharing will be welcome and go out of your way to do so. Do not engage in a religious discussion with the intent of being “right” or “winning”–a discussion about religion will always go wrong if its about being “right”.

2.) If you feel compelled to ask someone else as a way to spark a discussion about their beliefs, back off if they aren’t interested. If someone else approaches you about a disussion of your beliefs and you don’t feel that the time, place, or person is appropriate for the conversation…you are not obligated to participate in it. If you decline, try to do so politely–not being obliged to participate isn’t a call to be a jerk.

3.) Make sure the setting is appropriate for the discussion so neither party will feel uncomfortable. Places where a discussion of religion is generally a bad idea–at work, at a family reunion, at a wedding or funeral, in line at the grocery, etc.

4.) Don’t act like your truth is everyone’s truth–it isn’t, because if it were, there wouldn’t be a conversation on the matter (they’d already be agreeing with you). When expressing your beliefs to someone of another belief system, use I-statements to express your personal beliefs.

5.) Whenever possible, refrain from using absolute or exclusive language (when speaking/writing), but don’t assume that absolute or exclusive statements are made with negative intent (when listening/reading). If you are unsure of someone’s intent or motivation, ask them to explain or elaborate or clarify their statements.

6.) If you are in a mutual discussion of beliefs, don’t use your theological opinion as a tool for condemnation, insult, or bullying. Don’t use your difference of religious opinion as an excuse for these things either. Religious differences exist because we individually and collectively experience life in a myriad of ways–don’t denigrate the sincerely held belief of another because your life experiences have been different than theirs.

7.) Realize that the people who vocally use their beliefs about religion as an excuse to be a jerk are louder than those that don’t, if you want to be a good ambassador for your faith, act your ideals (even share them in moderation and with respect when they are welcome) but don’t preach them.

8.) Language is imprecise–different religious and denominations have differing terminology; understand the limits of your religious literacy and ask for clarification if you are unsure of one’s meaning. Be sure to differentiate personal beliefs from institutional beliefs.

9.) Disagreement is not an automatic insult or attack. Try to refrain from taking offense to comments that may be well-intended, but poorly phrased. If you feel that you are being attacked, take a step back and reevaluate–often people imagine mistake a difference of opinion for a personal criticism…and even more often people mistake criticism of an idea as a personal insult. If someone feels that you are attacking them, take a step back and reevaluate.

10.) Courteously and constructively correct misinformation. Do not get drawn into an argument (as opposed to a debate). To the best of your ability, be polite–even when the other person is not. Speak with respect and compassion. To the best of your ability, be patient–even when the other person is not.

11.) If things start going badly, be the adult and back off. When this happens, don’t wait for the other person – do it first. If you are a person that has to have the last word, remember that walking away with dignity while the other person brays like an ass is its own last word.

12.) Know when to apologize. Conversations on deeply held personal beliefs can get heated. An unintentional insult is still an insult. Don’t leave a mutual exchange of ideas and beliefs by burning your bridges because of ignorance or an excess of pride on your part. It is possible to apologize to the person (for causing them distress) without apologizing for your beliefs themselves.

Valued Ideals and Ideal Values: Plurality

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faith, opinions, pagan, plurality, respect, tolerance, values

It is an occupational hazard of pluralism that we must live alongside people who differ from us. This gives rise to discomfort, displeasure, fear, and even anger. Civilization asks that, at such times, we refrain from drawing swords. It requires that we continue to draw distinctions.

From the article, “Voices of the New Generation,” by Elizabeth Kristol, The New York Times, Sept. 25, 1989.

If respect makes up the foundation of Paganism, then plurality is the framework it is built upon.  Really, plurality defines Paganism as a whole.  We have a plurality of traditions, views on diety, dieties themselves, experiences, practices, modes of worship, and beliefs.  Plurality as a value however, has to do more than just exist for it to be meaningful…

Plurality has several dictionary definitions– “the  condition in which numerous distinct ethnic, religious, or cultural groups are present and tolerated within a society” and  “the belief that such a condition is desirable or socially beneficial” as well as the philosophical definitions that “the doctrine that reality is composed of many ultimate substances” and “the belief that no single explanatory system or view of reality can account for all the phenomena of life”  .  But I think a better definiton can be found from Harvard University’s Pluralism Project:

The plurality of religious traditions and cultures has come to characterize every part of the world today. But what is pluralism? Here are four points to begin our thinking:

• First, pluralism is not diversity alone, but the energetic engagement with diversity. Diversity can and has meant the creation of religious ghettoes with little traffic between or among them. Today, religious diversity is a given, but pluralism is not a given; it is an achievement. Mere diversity without real encounter and relationship will yield increasing tensions in our societies.
• Second, pluralism is not just tolerance, but the active seeking of understanding across lines of difference. Tolerance is a necessary public virtue, but it does not require Christians and Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and ardent secularists to know anything about one another. Tolerance is too thin a foundation for a world of religious difference and proximity. It does nothing to remove our ignorance of one another, and leaves in place the stereotype, the half-truth, the fears that underlie old patterns of division and violence. In the world in which we live today, our ignorance of one another will be increasingly costly.
• Third, pluralism is not relativism, but the encounter of commitments. The new paradigm of pluralism does not require us to leave our identities and our commitments behind, for pluralism is the encounter of commitments. It means holding our deepest differences, even our religious differences, not in isolation, but in relationship to one another.
• Fourth, pluralism is based on dialogue. The language of pluralism is that of dialogue and encounter, give and take, criticism and self-criticism. Dialogue means both speaking and listening, and that process reveals both common understandings and real differences. Dialogue does not mean everyone at the “table” will agree with one another. Pluralism involves the commitment to being at the table — with one’s commitments.

—Diana L. Eck 

also worth reading

Looking at pluralism in such a manner, and applying it as a Pagan value is quite simple–in theory.   True pluralism requires that we find worth in being diverse, in having differing opinions, in engaging in different forms of worship.  It asks that we actively engage with one another, to seek understanding and to have enoughcommitment in faith to not feel threatened by differing views.  True pluralism requires respect as its foundation, and without pluralism and respect, there is no Paganism, there are just a collection of religious paths and traditions that are pagan.  To be quite honest, not every follower of a pagan religion is capable of and/or willing to be Pagan. 

One’s path is a single trail.  Some of them are wide, and well trod, others are a whisper of the trees branches falling back into place, without a footprint to mark the way.  Yours and mine may not have much in common, compared side by side…but collectively, our paths are a continuum of the human experience’s interaction with divinity.  And it is the fact that we find value and meaning from the continuum as a whole ,  rather than a highway bulldozed thru a forest, that defines what pluralism as a Pagan.

There are surely things that are wrong, but a pluralistic world view means that, once we have found something we know to be right, we do not know that everything else is wrong. One god worthy of worship does not make all other gods false. One life worth living does not make all other lifestyles inferior. One candidate worth supporting does not make all other candidates assholes (although, y’know, maybe).

from http://www.deborahlipp.com/wordpress/2009/06/03/pagan-values-month-putting-the-poly-in-polytheism/

I think this is an important distinction–Pluralism indicates that there are many ‘right’ ways, not that there are no wrong ones.  Part of the challange is to find the sticking point on acceptability within Paganism.  We value autonomy far more than any other system of belief that I have encountered, and while that allows us a great deal of freedom and leeway, it also implies a great deal of personal responsibility (which is probably a topic in and of itself for another day).    

It is our challenge to embrace the traditions of those that differ from ours as equally valid,  to engage in meaningful communications with those individuals whose paths differ from our own, and to accept their presence within a greater Pagan community of faiths…without that commitment to the continuum, we are just a bunch of people on some trails in the woods…and I don’t know about you, but if that was all I was interested in, I wouldn’t be reading any of these essays, muchless writing one or two or five.

Tolerance

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tolerance

True tolerance means looking differences squarely in the eye and admitting the appalling fact that when other people seem to differ from us, this is because they actually believe their view of the world to be true.

It is an occupational hazard of pluralism that we must live alongside people who differ from us. This gives rise to discomfort, displeasure, fear, and even anger. Civilization asks that, at such times, we refrain from drawing swords. It requires that we continue to draw distinctions.

From the article, “Voices of the New Generation,” by Elizabeth Kristol, The New York Times, Sept. 25, 1989.